IT Leadership

Over the last decade, I had the privilege to work with and learn from incredibly talented people, from entrepreneurs shaping new organizations to leaders in charge of multiplying teams. Many of them would shy away from the spotlight, highlighting the team’s success rather than their individual achievements. While this is humble and commendable, it often means that they are overlooked when it comes to opportunities for professional growth.

When we consider the qualities that a11111111111111111make leaders successful, traits like courage, honesty, and vision often come to mind. While part of it, research points to additional traits that underpin leadership excellence. Recently, I had the opportunity to delve into leadership development, and it became clear that before leading others, we must lead ourselves. In this piece, I want to focus on one crucial aspect that underpins personal leadership, self-compassion.

Self-Compassion: A Missing Link

Self-compassion may not be the first quality that comes to mind when thinking about leadership. It is more often associated with vulnerability and softness. However, research shows that self-compassion is strongly linked to leadership effectiveness and can contribute to empowering leaders’ ability to achieve goals, foster teamwork, and handle crises calmly. In short, self-compassion equips leaders with the ability to manage their own fears, doubts, and shortcomings, giving them the resilience to embrace challenges, learn from failures, and thrive in the face of setbacks.

Self-compassion is often misunderstood. It is not about indulging in self-pity or being overly self-indulgent. Instead, it is about treating yourself with the same empathy, kindness, and understanding you would show to others. Additionally, it is about accepting yourself as a work in progress, understanding that developing self-awareness and personal leadership is a lifelong journey.

The Three Elements of Self-Compassion

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin and a leading researcher on self-compassion, it comprises three main elements:

Kindness: This is the overriding trait, involving self-care and understanding, stepping out of that harsh critic’s voice in our head, and embracing warmth and compassion.

Commonality: This is the realization that suffering is a part of life, something that we all experience. It helps us to resist the temptation to over-individualize or feel isolated when facing challenges, failures, or fears.

Mindfulness: This quality helps us to recognize and accept our feelings, emotions, and experiences without exaggeration, denial, or wallowing in them. It is that ability to be present and acknowledge things as they are without judgment.

How Self-Compassionate Are You?

Self-compassion is a skill that we can cultivate. A great way to start is by asking yourself the following questions, adapted from Dr. Neff’s Self-Compassion Scale™.

These questions will help you clarify your current level of self-compassion and indicate areas you can develop moving forward.
Answer each question from 1 to 5, with 1 being almost never and 5 being almost always.

Please note that this is not a scientific assessment, but a tool to inspire reflection and deeper consideration.

Developing Self-Compassion: A Few Suggestions

Embrace Self-Kindness: Start by noticing the way you talk to yourself. If you are critical and harsh, try to shift towards a more kind and understanding approach, speaking to yourself as you would to a friend.

Cultivate Mindfulness: Notice any critical or judgmental thoughts without buying into them. Recognize that the state of our minds can be slippery, and our self-judgmental thoughts can cloud our best intentions. By noticing and observing them without judgment, we can gain some distance and clarity.

Practice Gratitude: Take time to reflect on the things you are grateful for in your professional life. Doing this every day helps us to appreciate the bigger picture and fuels our ability to be kind to ourselves.

Learn to Forgive: When you make a mistake, or things don’t go as planned, forgive yourself and others. Understand that mistakes are opportunities for growth and learning.

Set Boundaries: Understand your limits and know when to say no. Setting boundaries is a powerful act of self-care that will help you avoid overextending yourself and feeling depleted.

Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that nourish and replenish you. This will look different for everyone, so listen to what your body and mind need in each moment.

Seek Support: We all go through tough times, so reach out to your support network when you need help. Likewise, offer support to others, as this can strengthen your sense of common humanity.

Lead by Example: Model the way with a mindset of self-compassion, as your team will likely follow your lead. Create a culture where everyone treats each other with empathy and respect.

Communicate Mindfully: A key aspect of self-compassion is being honest about what we think, feel, and need. Ensure you are communicating in a mindful, honest way, especially when having difficult conversations.

Practice Active Listening: A key aspect of self-compassion is listening to ourselves and paying attention to the present moment. Listening actively to those around us is a way of showing compassion, breaking the cycle of fear and doubt, and creating a safe space for others to voice their thoughts, fears, and ideas.

In Conclusion

As we grow into our leadership roles, let’s shift our focus towards self-compassion to help us navigate the challenges, doubts, and fears that are part of the journey. By embracing this more empowering mindset, we can fuel personal growth and strengthen our ability to lead with authenticity and courage.

I will leave you with a question to reflect on: How differently would you lead yourself and your team from a place of self-compassion?